...

My heart beats for you,
But it’s slowly dying.
I’ll have to see it through,
But I can’t stop crying.


Before I say goodbye, I just wanted to thank you.
Thank you for making me happy countless times.
For making me smile and blush like a retard.
For treating me with respect.
And for always being there for me when I fell.

Strawberries.

My heart beats for you,

But it's slowly dying.

I'll have to see it through, 

But I can't stop crying.
~~SIGH~~Ponders~~




So I was looking through my diary on Microsoft Word:P And I found this letter thingy I wrote right after the break up.... 

A little message from me to you. Hope you fucking enjoy..
"I remember those days when you used to look at me like I was some kind of miracle, I miss that, but then you dropped me like I meant nothing at all... When I heard those five specific words, my heart was torn, abandoned, & dropped. Suddenly, my world turned to darkness & night. I guess to some extent, I got used to being alone, the small sounds of you have been replaced by silence & by my thoughts echoing through my head, with no one to share them with. I stopped expecting phone calls every night & texts every morning. All in all, it's not terrible, but it truly is painful. It sucks & hurts so much that you've moved on so quickly, & at the same time, I'm sitting here all alone, closing up my eyes, trying not to cry, listening to sad music & falling into memories of you & things we used to do. I miss everything we ever had; you once made me so happy... What we used to have were special & unforgettable, but now I have to accept the fact that you'll never come back. Now is the time to try and start forgetting about you, but that's hard when everything reminds me of you... But at the same time, I actually want to be reminded of you because you still mean so much to me, but sadly, you don't care about any of this. Thanks for leaving me heartbroken.. Have a nice life. Goodbye."
--October 9, 2009 - January 11, 2010 <|3
^^ I wonder if you'll ever read any of that ^^

It's weird though. I was reading it, and I start crying?? :| What the hell. Bad times. 

Blah I didn't really have anything to say.... I was just in a sad-ish mood. 

Welp, tomorrow's Zach's birthday. I didn't get him anything.... I'm a bad girlfriend:[ Fuckkk.

This might have lotz of typos in it?

*deeps heavily* yea, I just ran downstairs REALLY quickly & ran back upstairs:P

sooo I have homework D:

AND IT SUCKS! I've been procrastinating a shit load all day.. I've literally been on the computer day & meh eyes are bloodshot red... I've watched Adventureland & She's Out Of My League today... Adventureland was boring-ish so I stopped watching it in the middle haha... but the other movie was at least entertaining.....

I've been craving Asian Helper lately hahaha.

Hmm school?

Well it was all fun since it was an even day! But in the morning, Zach & I barely got to talk =[ Then when I see him on my way to 4th period, he hugged me non-tightly & all weirdly... I could tell something was wrong! & he just sounded down =[ And it got me worried... And during the whole period, I was in deep thought. Sigh.. But then when I saw him at lunch... He was all good and we were fiddling with our hands and stufff. Jacob was being retarded & gay and was asking him to race him =[ But i was all like, "nooo don't race..." and when he asked why I just responded, "becauuuse, I've barely talked to you today & i want you here with me..." and he just smiled and said, "okay I'll stay for you" and held my hands... eeeeep!

And we had romantic kisses todaayy. =] and after school, he hugged me soo tightly ♥ gahh! ^__^

Mmmm next time I seee him outside of school i'm gonna make the move & make out...............

Watch ima have a nervous break down... But i don't wanna do it in school like what I did with Gavino cuz it's sooo unromantic & public and stufff..

He makes me smiley & blushy...♥

But today at lunch was embarrassing, awkward, and weird!!!!! Mkay sooo I picked up Zoe like in the wedding kinda way, yuh know? And while I wasss I made the loudessttt, screaammm orgasm sound ever. Hahahaha. And it was right in front of Zach & Joseph... Gah!!!! >.<

]=P

Uhhh well there's this guy named Aaron... And he told me I was hot & stuff.. Thru a myspace message.! And he was all like, "I would ask you out but you're going out with some kid." heee's a beaner.. at first, I thought he was kinda cute... But nahh! I change my mind about that! Haha he's a douche.

Mkay in Home Ec. Jazmine tries to start pointless drama with me -__- It's annoying cuz she's a fucktard! She'ss getting random people on her side and making people that I've never even talked to before hate me!! WTF. I'm about that stab her in the eyes with a fork, rip her hair out, and push my hand in her throat & go down & take her heart out. Ugh. And she has absolutely no reason to hate me.

We used to be best friends in like kindergarten... but then i moved to esperanza.. she stayed in cottonwood.... then she came to hillview... and now she's all like EWW...

But yeah... one of her UGLY ass friends, Mickenzee... Like I'm not joking.. Mickenzee is ONE ugly piece of shit... She's as tall as a beast and her fat always hangs out of her shirt & jeans... IT's nasty. Just looking at her grosses me out.. But yeah she stuck her tongue out at me. WTF? we're not little kids anymore. If you have some retarded bullshit to tell me, then say it to my face instead of saying it to Jazmine when your 2 feet away from me where it's UBER obvious.

 But anyways... THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS, SUSAN...

Oh! Courtney started randomly chatting with me today on facebook... She actually seems really nice... And I feel like if I actually do take the time to get to know her, I'll end up being awesome friends with her... but I'm not gonna take that chance because I don't trust her or what she says... :D Just being cautious.

Well I think ima start language arts, science, and history homework now... 

Gah... and he stopped texting me... So that doesn't reeally motivate me that much to get up.... Blehk.

Nothing.

So nothing really happened. 

I'm just writing this blog out of complete boredom & procrastination. 

Soo yesh. 

You know what I find really annoying? 

WHENEVER I get on facebook OR myspace, Dylan starts chatting with me. 

I usually wouldn't mind...

But he's just like the most boringest person to chat with. Haha(:

OMFG! My mom just brought home Carl's Jr. HELL YEAH. Hahaha :DD 

Sooo all I've done over break is sleep in, eat, go on the computer, be bored, text, and hang with friends.

...but mostly eat xD

Hmmm so Zach said he got me a teddy bear... That's bigger than a pillow :O And on Wednesday, I gotta carry it around everywhere I go... Damn. Oh and he said he got me something pocket size too...

I wonderrrrr.. He also said he got into a really long text fight with Jazmine sooo he said he would let me read that when we saw each other...

Ugh. I'm DYING of curiosity.

P...s...> ME AND ZOE ARE FATTIES TO THE EXTREME! =] hahaha.

Asian Helper!

So I haven't posted up a blog in FOREVER...

Wow, I actually had quite a lot of shit on my mind that I wanted to type out... But as soon as I opened this up... I FORGOT. Futterwuck! ....or is it futterwutter...? O.o I'm confused xP 

**ponders** 

Well. Let's see. What has been going on in my life since I got back from Catalina... Well Nadine is ONE bipolar motherfucker. We got into this little fight. Cuz she apparently logged into Dylan's myspace & started chatting with me... And I called her a whore & stuff. Oopsies xD And she bitches out on me. And she starts saying shit like, "I WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN" ... "I HOPE YOU LEARNED A LESSON FROM ALL THIS SHIT." ... "YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH" [[she tends to overuse the word 'bitch' when she gets mad hahaha]] ... Then a few minutes later she's all like, "Well. I'm starting to trust you again. I'm sorry for going crazy on you." BlahBlahBlahBlah. She makes absolutely no sense. So I guess I'm her friend...? WhatTheeFuck. 

Well she told Gavino that she still loves Dylan. And so he dumped her. Who wouldn't? And now Dylan & her are dating. ONCE AGAIN. All this shizz happened. So soooo sooo sick of it... It's getting old... and boring... At first, quite entertaining, but now, it's just blahhh. (:

Hmm this blog might be long =P 

Well one of meh best friends, Zoe has been going through her own thing with Justin, Mikey, ANDDDD Eddie ^__^ Haha it's sooo cute. Especially the pillow thing!! :DD And Justin kisses her everytime they see eachother! And she flirts major with Eddie. Amazingly cute. ♥ Gah! =P These kinda things get to me. Hehe

Hmm today was pretty cool =] Got to chill with Zoe today. We walked, walked, walked, got high as a butterfly in the bright blue sky, drew abs on Dylan, and ate... and ate some more. That pretty much explains our day hahaha. Oh! We also got whistled at by some random guy passing by in a car... He was a beaner haha. [[we were both wearing shorts..]] xP hot hooker & retarded child!!!!! WOOO!! Lol. It made me & zoe's days though =P

Me && Zach =] Are doing awesome. Well he's in Las Vegas now... Sigh. So I haven't seen him in a while *frownie face* =\ Soo.. Yeah. Well he called me today. He said he wanted to "hear my voice" =] Welll he bought me something from the souvenir shop in Vegas & he won me something big [[little bit bigger then a pillow haha:O]] from Circus Circus... Amazing :) I wonder what it is... OH! Like 2 days ago, he made me crazy blush in the morning... Just through a text message... He texted me saying, "Hey beautiful" Hehe!! ^__^ Gahh. But we're planning on seeing each other wednesday... The day he gets back from vegas haha =] I don't care what time it is... I'm GONNA see him... But I have a feeling I won't =[ blah. *crosses fingers*  He makes meh happy... Sooo much better the Gavino <---Lord Douche Bag.. Ewwies. xP But yeah. Zach... is just thoughtful and cares about my feelings.

.......To be honest, in the beginning, I thought it wasn't gonna go anywhere... I thought our relationship was just gonna fall apart after a week or so... =/ ...BUT... I WAS WRONG!! :DD And for once, I'm soooo sooo happy//relieved that I was wrong... Whew. 

Hmm. Mkay well Zoe, Zach, & Stetson's birthday are coming up... APRIL!!! Gah. I have no idea what to get them all... To be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm gonna get Stetson anything xD But ima get something for Zoe & Zach ferrr suuure. Hellz yeah. 

I dunno what Zoe would want though...?

And what do you get a guyyyy for their birthday????!

I have absolutely no clue:( Help...? 

Well I have a new song addiction this week. Sooooo cheesy. 

Kissin' U by Miranda Cosgrove

Hahahaha. I know I know. But I liiike that song...! 

Meh. My lips are dry. And I'm tired. But I don't feel like going to sleep. I'm gonna finish watching The Hangover, then sing along to Kissin' U for a while THENNN go to sleep =D

Well that's 'nuff for now. Peace out bitchez. 

Hmm...

Nadine and Dylan make me wanna puke.

--that's it for now--

Catalina Island Trip ♥ =]]

Catalina!!! 

--was amazingly fun. But like always, there were some weirdly negative parts. 

Hmm;; the way there was horrible. Bianca & I got motion sickness because of the waves, you literally rocked back and forth (especially on the last floor). So we were just miserable for the whole two hours we were there...

But we finally got there!! We met up with our instructor, Ariel. She was just sooo awesome. (no rainbows;) 

We did allll kind of cool stuff there. Such as...

-go snorkeling ...which was exhausting, we had to swim sooo much & we only saw one fish!! But the wetsuits were sooo warm, but at the same time suffocating haha.

-do creatures in the night ...a maze in this little room. (well at least, thats what it looks like on the outside) Me, peruza, bianca, & nessa all went in at the same time and stuck together by holding onto eachother's feet & hands haha. It was pitch black dark in there and we had to crawl through all of these obstacles and find the door that let us out... It was supposed to teach us what the creatures in the deep sea have to go through their whole lives... Eww, I accidentally touched colby's private area & craig's butt when i was trying to find my way *ewwwwwwwww!!!! ahhhh! And now he's going around telling everyone it was mee & that he liked it!! Ew!!

-dissect a tiny squid ...It was interesting I guess haha (high five = sex) xD Omggg guess what I learned? When high fiving, if you look at the other person's elbow & the other person looks at your elbow only, then you will for sure have a perfect high five! but yeah we had to take out it's eyeball & basically skin it & take out it's beak & throat haha, it was interesting yet gross yet awesome ;DD

-learn all kind of oceanography/marine biography stuff ....it was interesting, but I barely listened because I would always end up zoning out haha.

-hiiiike ...this hike was horrible;; it made everyone dehydrated, sweaty, and sticky, which made bugs attracted to us D= haha. But I gotta say, it was a good experience ...Although, it may have been pretty exhausting but it was super duper adventurous and fun =D We had to get dirty and like jump from rock to rock in a muddy river, climb up like 3 feet never ending stairs... But it was reaaally dangerous, if you fell then you would've tumbled down rocks, waterfalls, & such. Haha, I almost fell when I was taking a picture of myself D= But Ariel gave us oreos when we reached the top!! :D haha. Sooo that made me happy.

Hmmm, so there was also this Asian chick named Jane that roomed with us. She is soooo obnoxious & annoying. Like no joke. She started throwing random shit at me, like pillows. I was trying to be nice at first and I went, "dude, it's kinda getting annoying, stop." but she just kept on taking it further. So I got super pissed. And we got into this competition/argument/fight. She took my sleeping bag & threw it on the floor, threw my wallet & water bottle. And so I started beating her with the pillow like reaaally hard and you should've seen me & peruza!  We were poised on the top bunk next to the door getting ready to stab Jane in the face with the broom when she walked in (since she ran out like the baby she is) Ugh. But when she got my toothbrush. And I dunno wtf she did with it. Ugh, I got PISSED. I was muttering to myself. I was literally thinking about how to kill her. I was shaking with anger & frustration because she was being soooo annoying. I would be like, "I AM GETTING SO FUCKING PISSED. THIS IS HOW I FELT WHEN I FUCKING RIPPED MY COUSIN'S EYE OPEN. I WILL FUCKING PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. IMA GO FUCKING NAZI ON THAT BITCH."

I almost got her stuffed animal & shoved it down the toilet. People seriously don't know what I COULD'VE done ...she's lucky I restrained from doing violent shit cuz I knew I would get sent back home. Ughhhh!

Grrrrr. I don't really know why I got so angry. She got so scared she climbed out the window cuz she didn't wanna pass me to get out since I was right next to the door. xD 

Ugh I hate her. And just her voice is just soo annoying. But at dinner, the whole time she was sulking and in the corner eating her crackers. I felt just a bit bad. But what ever. I don't care for that bitch. Or trust her.

And she turned this whole group against me. They always glare at me... Like peruza & I wrote, "HI MOM" on the sand with a stick, and one of the chicks in that group came, looked at our writing, stepped over it, and purposely slided her feet all over it. Fucking A. Bitch! 

The only people in that group that didn't do anything like glare at me or something were this chick named Cassie [she was nice, she talked to me:] and Colby. 

Well finally on the way back on the boat, I took some of nessa's motion sickess medicine & I wasn't feeling sick AT ALL on the boat ...and it was worse then last time, there were actually people throwing up this time. Ewie. But I ate the whole there haha I ate, cup noodle [asian!], cheetos, diet coke, a ring pop, and m&m's =D It was goooood.

Translations [insiders]

Me & Peruza laughing = dying seagulls 

Highfive = sex

Ughhhh I totally forgot the rest. Oh well, I'll remember later. 

I'm so sleeeeepy now... goodnight!!! Ugh!! I have math hw ....maybe I'll do it [most likely not]

Toooo Zoe....

I'm sorry ...I wasn't tryyying to start drama? 

I was just asking about it, just got curious...

Goshie... =\

By the way, the only reason i made a wholleee new blog [ugh] was cuz it wasn't letting me post a comment!!

Grrr!!! 

Bessttt frienddssss?

*hand shake* ?

Aha. 

COUGH .....hope you & travis work out..... COUGH

Pshhh, stupid computer ---not letting me post some damn comments.

Sigh? Kinda jealous...?

Hmm; I was stuffing my face while reading a whole bunch of Zoe's blogs ....until I came across one of her blogs... Thee one listing out all the people that she liked... 

Zoe likes Zach? 

...Grrr...

 I wouldn't say it gets me jealous but when I read that single sentence, "I like Zachary," my heart just totally dropped. It kinda sucked. 

If she did get with him or even tried sometime in the future or maybe even now, I would definitely be mad [haha?] Sigh. 

Whatever, I guess? 

-I'm the one that even has Zach? ...No, that sounds mean. 

Gosh. I'm still shocked by the news.

Like I KNEW she thought he was cuuute ...but I didn't know that it went further then that..???!

Sorry? -I'm overreacting.

I'm just a super duper easily jealous kinda person..........

Sooo Cheeeeeesy. Grrrr.

Sooo, today was a pretty good day...

Got to kiss & hug Zach like a lot today :DD

Talked privately to Nadine at lunch...

Riah [err Zoe!!], Nadine, Chelsea, and Jacob acted dead on the field today xD wtf..??

So anyways, when Nadine talked to me today ...woahh had some awkward momentos xP Gavino sounds crazy to me right now haha. First of all, he's telling every chick he dates the same exact things like, "I only have eyes for you" or like, "I'm sorrryy babe, you should  just break up with me tomorrow since you don't love me anymore." He honestly, tries to make you feel bad so you stay with him. Ugh, it pisses me off. 

Wanna know another retarded thing?

He told Nadine that he wanted to marry her. 

WTF. You're sooo young. 

Like I understand how you're lovestruck and all that, BUT you've only been dating for like a week!

GET OVER YOURSELF!!!

Haha sorry, I'm starting rant on. .....blahh.

If you think I'm jealous ...I'm NOT... Haha.

Soooo tomorrow, I'm heading to Catalina [ugh! at 5 in the morning!!] :DD Sooo that should be fun ...Ugh my hairs gonna be all retarded, and poofy for most of the time... Fuckkkkking AAAAA...!!!! But my bathing suit is uglllyyy =[ Grrrr. 

Ima miss Zach... Haha no connection with him whatsoever. She says that she's gonna take our phones away! Ahh, Peruza & I are gonna try to sneak them in like one of our socks xD hahaha. Sooo we'll see how THAT turns out...

But yeahhh today, Zach read the blog I posted about him. He said it was sweeet ...but he probably hoenstly thinks im crazyyyy and obsessive and clinggyyy.

Today, I kissed him right in front of his parents xD hahahaha ....it wass cute, he kept laughing... =]]

I reaaalllyyy like him =]

Weeellll, offf to go stuff my face. peeaacee.

Nadine & Gavino

So Nadine & Gavino. 

Gavino ...translation... Lord Douche Bag. 

Their relationship pisses me off. When they're together, they're BEYOND awkward, unless one of their friends are with them... They may show a lot of PDA like whispering in each other's ears, blushing, arm wrapping, hand holding, and etc. But other then that, they sooo cannot have a complete functioning relationship. I'm not trying to hate on them ...Just saying what's on my mind from my perspective... 

After an hour of dating, they began saying I love you & shit like that. Ugh. How do you know what love is after an hour?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Grrr >.< Haha. And they were planning on making out after like 4 days. Oohh..

Sooo why is Gavino a douche bag? 

He dated me for three months [I think?], less then a month later, dated Gisselle for like 3 days, then 3 days later, went out with her best friend Nadine. He caused Nadine & Gisselle to get into this huge-gantic fight. And he also told each and every one of us he loved us. 

But anyways, Nadine & Gavino are are stilllll going out... But he's being a dick to her. [he basically cussed her out through a text message... and made her cry on the bus] But she's too "lovestruck" to see the FULL story. Nadine told me that she's worrying about their relationship at this point ...hes being a liar. Telling her ALL THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT. Is he THAT stupid?? Doesn't he realize that both, Gisselle & I [both of his exes] are pretty close friends with Nadine? 

Sigh. Ignorance irritates me. 

Soooo now Nadine wants me to talk to her privately at lunch ...and she wants my full opinion about Gavino... and what she should do... I'm just worried that she's not gonna like what's gonna come out of my mouth & she's gonna get all pissy towards me again. Ugh. But whatever, I'll give her my full opinion. 

He's a fucking bullshit liar, douche lord. She needs to realize that & I'll help her so that she won't get as hurt as much as I did in the enddd...

Allll dedicated to Zach haha......?

**Zachary

 We started dating on February 16, 2010. He WAS going to ask me out on the 17th, since 7 was my favorite number haha... But apparently, he couldn't wait... I'm so used to him now ...It's barely awkward nowadays, which I love... I'm getting more comfortable around him every single day♥ We've so far, kissed, held hands, hugged, and he put his arm around my shoulders... [in the movies too!!! Haha he did the yawwnn trick... Sooo cuuuttee] For this relationship, I've promised myself that I wouldn't give my heart away too quickly & to really think about the words I love you instead of just throwing it around & saying it carelessly. I'm definitely not gonna go fast... And what I mean about that, is making out. Haha. Definitely not gonna do that for a whiiiile ;D But anyways, Zach's like the only one that can truly make me happy. Whenever I see him, my heart starts beating. I like him, I think he treats me right, instead of lord douche bag *cough* Gavino *cough*. Zach compliments me. He's uber sweet & super duper caring. He actually cares about my feelings. It's amazing. I looovvee his eyes & his smile & his laugh & his hair & how he always wears his beanie haha. I love how he can make me so happy with the most simplest things. Sounds strange, but his tall-ness turns me on hahahaha! But anyways, yeah we've actually discussed the whole I love you thing c[= We say we love eachother, but we agreed on that we're not IN love with eachother. Just like how I love everyone [except for courtney & jazmine ...they're just annoying fuckers:] Soo yeahh. Even if we do get to that IN LOVE stage in our relationship, it definitely won't be for a lonnnggg tiiimmee. And trust meh, I won't say anything I don't mean...

--Hopefully I don't sound like I'm going all gaga over him haha... I hate it when people do that... sorry if I irritate you xD

There's a lot more ...I just suddenly got lazy & blahhh. Aha.

Randommm. Boredom.

Okie... Well JUST made a blogger account thingy... H..a...h...a...? Watch, I'm neverrr gonna go on this after today... >.< Grrr.

Well I don't know what to say now? 

-I honestly just wanted to make one simple blog to kinda make my dashboard look more coooler? 

Siiighh I'm pathetic.. 

I'm gonna go make another blog now talking about my day and other completely random stuff haha.

Uhh b...y....ee.....?? =P